Girlfriend? You? Please. We both know that’s never going to happen, not in a million years, not with how timid and pathetic you are, and definitely not with how disappointing that needy little dick of yours is. There’s no way anyone would want to date you... but I guess you are heading home for the holidays, so your friends are going to start asking questions. What are you going to tell them? That you’re hopelessly single forever? Or we could make it look nice and sweet, like a Hallmark card, and I could be your girlfriend. I’d totally do that for you... don’t be suspicious... there’s just one condition...