Happy Valentine’s Day, dear. This year I’m going out to have sex with my insanely talented, well-endowed lover while you stay home. It’s not my fault your dick is crooked, tiny, ugly, and disgusting. It’s also not my fault that your sex skills are completely worthless. Seriously, who taught you how to go down on women? Ugh. Gross. Wrong. I’m off to have mind-blowing sex while you stay home cleaning and thinking about how awful you are in bed.