No, it’s not me—it’s you. You’re completely and totally unfuckable, and no woman, especially not me, will ever want you. But you still don’t want to leave me. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and you’re so happy about it. The problem is, I need to be fucked, and I’m definitely not going to fuck you, so there’s only one way this can go. Don’t worry, it’ll make us both happy.